Enough
by gllover16
Summary: Rachel's self confidence has started to crack. She is losing herself, and acting differently at school. Will someone notice and save her before it's too late? Season 1
1. Chapter 1

I am walking down the hall to my locker. Then I hear the voices of my tormentors loudly behind me. Please don't see me, please don't see me, I pray silently in my mind.

"Hey Berry, have you lost weight? You look more like a cow instead of a whale" Karofsky yells, loud enough for the whole school to hear.  
He and his friends laugh, along with everyone else in the hallway, including my fellow Glee mates. I turn around to go to Science class and am greeted with five cold slushies to my whole body. The crowd roars with laughter, my face turns even redder, and I run to the girls bathroom after stopping at my locker. I rinse off my body and wash my hair. Crap, all I have for clothes is shorts, a t-shirt, and my showering flip-flops from gym. The shorts are too short, and the shirt is too tight. I don't want to show off my disgusting, fat-...What am I doing? I'm Rachel Berry, future star, I look amazing, right?  
I walk down the hall to the gym during lunch, I have to workout. I won't be the fat girl anymore... What is up with me today? I'm within a perfectly normal weight for someone my age and stature. I do some sit-ups, pull-ups, and run for awhile. Then I shower and go to my next class. My afternoon classes are uneventful, now it's time for Glee.  
When I walk into Glee everyone stops talking. Great, they were probably talking about how stupid, ugly, fat, and annoying I am. Finn is, of course wrapped up in Quinn.  
"Hey Manhands, still didn't get that nose job, huh?" Quinn says, her voice full of malice. Santana snorts along with Brittany, and the rest of the club, taking joy out of my pain.  
" Seriously RuPaul, have you even gotten sterilized yet?" Santana sneers.  
Then I snap.  
" I'm not the whore here, Lopez," I say, quite loudly, surprising myself.  
The room is filled with gasps. Santana stands up from her seat, I don't move an inch.  
She throws the first punch, I block it. She starts throwing profanities at me, I don't flinch. I slap her across the face. My dads luckily put me through many self defense courses through my life. She attempts to slap me, I punch her. We fight for awhile longer, I win. She got in a few good hits, but to be blunt, I kicked her ass. When Mr. Shue finally got there he broke it up, sent Santana to the nurse, and had a talk with me. Fighting is bad, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.  
When I get home I go to my room, sit on my bed, and cry. Those words hurt, don't they think I hate myself enough? I know I will never be talented, or funny, or smart, or beautiful, or skinny. I act all day at school, I know I'm disgusting. I know I will never look like Quinn, or Santana, or Brittany.

I know I will never be ENOUGH.


	2. Chapter 2

I stay home the next day, I can't face those kids at school. I find a song I want to sing for Glee club, it's called Skinny Love by Birdy. When I listen to it, this pain in my chest that is always there, worsens. Why do I feel this way? When did I start feeling this way, when didn't I feel this way?

I get a razor blade from my dads' bathroom, and take it back to my room. I put the blade over my left wrist, and slice. It hurts, I love it. I feel something besides the pain in my chest, it dulls it, I only make one cut, I have to be able to cover it. I clean it and bandage it, and if the pain becomes to much I can push on it.

Next, I work on an English assignment. The meaning of life. You would think the meaning of life for me is to be on Broadway and win a hundred Tony's. It was, but not now. Now, it's finding a way to survive, how to get a glimpse of happiness, finding a way to fight the pain.

Is that what I wrote? Of course not, I wrote about being successful and helping people. The teachers can't know what really goes on in our minds. After that I practice my song for Glee. I break down a couple times, but get through the song an adequate amount of times.

Then I work out for a few hours on my treadmill, then a couple hours of sit-ups. I have to burn as many calories as I can. I haven't eaten since yesterday morning, and I feel amazing. I don't like to purge, so I just don't eat at all.

After that I weigh myself, it's part of my after school ritual. I walk into my bathroom and step onto the scale. Down 1 and a half pounds from last night. Yay! I'm at 110 lbs. I never thought I'd get here. For a reward I run on the treadmill for another hour. I get dizzy a couple times, I just need to remember to stay hydrated, it happens sometimes.

After I'm done running, I shower and go to bed. Thank God tomorrow is Saturday, I can fast this weekend and go to school on Monday looking tiny and lovely. I hope. But I will probably gain this weekend, being around food for so long, I binge. I have no self-control or willpower, I am weak. Everyone else is strong, while I am nothing.

It's Sunday night and I'm quite proud of myself, I lost an additional 2 lbs! But I'm still fat. I don't want to face everyone at school tomorrow, especially Santana. I feel so bad about hurting her, I made her a batch of my famous "I'm Sorry" cookies, and didn't let a morsel pass through my lips. I hope she accepts them. This weekend I ate an apple, celery stick, 2 cups of apple juice (for sugar), and a handful of blueberries, and a lot of water. So I did decent.

But I know it won't be **enough**.


End file.
